Planet Earth on Halloween – October 31st
By David Lady
NOTE: There is nothing wrong with your Halloween website. Do not attempt to skip this article. The following transmission was originally discovered by surveillance satellite EAVESDROPPER (sponsored by Nike), built by NASA (a division of Disney) for the United States Government (a subsidiary of Microsoft). It was discovered in the form of an advanced signal being beamed from Earth to a distant planet and has been de-coded for your edification . . .
Advance Scout Xark reporting to High Council of Kaputnick. Study of Earth culture has yielded some surprising facts.
Yesterday was the 31st of October by Earth calendars. My examination of the Earthlings’ behavior and customs on this perfectly typical day revealed a number of strange and primitive customs that are difficult to comprehend.
In the sector of the planet called “America,” which is peculiarly abbreviated with the letters “U.S.A.,” I observed many typical Earthlings disguising their young in costumes, which are viewed as intimidating, frightening and sometimes even disgusting. These disguises include making the young appear to be (a) dead Earthlings, (b) grotesque and mutated life forms, and (c) various American government leaders. No data yet on why these frightening costumes also include those of transients, fairy princesses, and an apparently highly regarded Earthling known as Barbie.
The young Earth people, once dressed in their disguises, roam the streets in search of a valuable edible commodity known as Candy. Many Earthlings appear unaware of this custom, as many who see the frighteningly disguised young approach their homes (apparently believing them to be dangerous) freely give them Candy in an apparent attempt to appease their anger. It is our finding, then, that it’s an accepted fact among the Earthlings that their dead require a substantial amount of this Candy substance. We are unsure as to why Earth’s young must frighten older Earthlings to obtain it. Suspect that Candy is a sacred form of Earth nourishment reserved exclusively for consumption by the dead. Young Earthlings appear resentful of this custom. Refusing to wait until after death to taste Candy, they resort to the use of disguises to sample some beforehand. Amazingly, the young have convinced many of their elders to assist them with this trickery. More amazingly, many Earth people don’t seem to have caught on to the deception. It is apparently a belief among Earthlings that the dead signify their demand for candy with a cry of “Trick-or-treat,” a threat which, when uttered, causes people to turn over their Candy without resistance.
Another custom is the use of something called Toilet Paper, a lightweight white substance commonly found in all earth bathrooms except those located in Gas Stations, to adorn trees. Perhaps the substance grows on trees and the Earth people believe they can encourage its growth by hanging strips of it on full-grown (but Toilet Paperless) trees. Have yet to see any evidence that this practice promotes Toilet Paper growth. Greater efficiency could be achieved by retrieving the Toilet Paper from the trees and shipping it to the sector of the planet know as “Russia” but this does not seem to have occurred to the Earth people. Will make further attempts to flush out the facts.
At night, many Earthlings go to a place called a “Haunted House.” However, each Haunted House observed was inhabited only by ordinary Earthlings in disguises rather than actual spirits and thus was, in Earth terms, not truly “haunted.” Many are located in shopping centers, places of business and even tents, which means they are not truly “houses” either. (Misleading language is evidently quite common on Earth.) A visit to such a place appears to be a rite of passage, as attempts are made to intimidate those who are allowed in. Survivors are apparently rewarded by not being killed. The custom is perplexing and involves conflicting emotions. As a rule, Earth people shy away from things that frighten them, yet they freely visit these establishments for the express purpose of being frightened and are even willing to pay for the privilege. It is difficult to say just how much danger they actually face on the inside, but some have been observed laughing as they exit, even after being accosted by large males wielding weapons called “Power Tools,” so overall they seem to be a brave (or perhaps only foolhardy) species.
Have also observed Earthlings gathering large edible forms of plant life called “Pumpkins.” Although apparently valuable for some obscure mathematical properties, as proven by common verbal references to “Pumpkin Pi,” most Pumpkins appear to be cultivated for the specific purpose of discarding the edible parts and using the outer shells to make crude replicas of the human head. These false heads may be intended as a cruel mockery of a particular Earthling (who has remained elusive).
Our studies of an older Earth race called “Egyptians” have revealed a being who resembled a human male but with the head of a form called a “Jackal,” a species similar to the one called a “Dog” except that few people have any idea what it is. The Jackal-headed Earthling was named Anubis, and it is my guess that his unfortunate physical condition was the result of some sort of early molecular transporter mishap. In any case, this person does appear to be involved, since the Pumpkin human head replicas are called “Jackal Lanterns.”
Final summary: Suggest plans for invasion and colonization of Earth be suspended until more logical data can be gathered. Culture and behavior here change frequently, as may be confirmed by comparing the above data with that found last December 25th, at which time residents were seen bringing dead trees into their homes and eating Candy out of their footwear. Advance Scout Xark Out. . .