By Mistress Serrella (Sarah Briggs)
Hello Ghoulish readers! Well, I guess I have to spill the beans. Not magic beans mind you, but beans nevertheless, or rather some other kind of food groups! Ol’ Mistress Serrella, oh, ah, that’s me in case you didn’t know, had a horrible experience this Halloween. I pulled out my favorite witch costume, hat and cape. You’ll never guess what happened? Only the hat and cape fit. My favorite witchy-poo dress looked like I was trying to stuff a mushroom into an hourglass – with the sand left in it! Oh, I was so disappointed! I just know those buttons had to have been moved over several inches by a mortal enemy or the handy work from some evil tailor that was jealous of my costuming ability and put an evil spell on my costume! Yes, yes, that is who it has to be. Nasty beasts . . . those evil tailor types!
Anyboo, I was so shocked none of my costumes fit any more. Hmm, I know I have indulged in, well, just a few handfuls of candy corn and just a few mini candy bars over the last year but, oh, dear me! It looked like I was wearing a bustle when I wasn’t, and I couldn’t reach over my pumpkin shaped tummy to lace my boots. I mean, dear ghouls, if I drop one of my ah, well, charms, it’s gone for good or at least until I can get a wonderful, kind but blind warlock to help me pick it up. Oh, and let me tell you ghouls something I experienced this year with my costume disasters and what I observed about some other portly ghouls as I made my way to many a Halloween party, oh, and buffet tables.
This year was a banner year for invitations to Halloween parties, even though I would have thought that parties would be few and far between because of September 11th. I did my Halloween party duty and hit as many events as I could. I don’t mean ‘hit’ the party literally, but me and my ol’ brummy did have a few close calls! I promise you it wasn’t the grog either but, oh, well, anyway. I just love making a grand entrance at the parties I attend, and then I like to scan the room to see all the clever and cleavage-filled costumes that grace the party. This year I noticed something strange about myself as I made my big entrance. When I swung my arms up to show my arrival, I noticed the flesh on my arm just kept swinging and swinging. Oh, what a shock!
Then, as I looked out into the party in progress, I was appalled by the sight of some of the sleaziest looking Liberty’s and Uncle Sam’s that no government could afford to feed! My goodness! Oh, and there were so many pudgy hookers that showed way more flesh than anyone wanted to see. And as for the bloated dead guys please! Was there a major expanse of methane gas this year? Huh? Ghouls, if we keep gaining weight like we did last year . . . we are not going to fit into our coffins by the year 2002!
Besides the personal danger to you if you wear a skin-tight costume, what about the danger you pose to those around you. You might be a terrorist, too, when you try to wear a costume that is two sizes too small and not even know it. I know for a fact you can injure someone with unnecessary lard. After all, I shot my butler in the head and almost knocked him over trying to make a shrunken (they always shrink) backless bra squeeze around me. See, my hand slipped and the bra shot out of my other straining hand and bang! wooden butler fell over like a duck at a shooting gallery.
What if he had been real? Oh, and let me tell you projectile buttons can injure a person. My gorgeous, Adonis-like hubby was sitting down talking to several ghouls on a couch when suddenly one of the standing Uncle Sam’s took in a huge breath to laugh and zing! It could have blinded him if that Uncle Sam had been a few inches shorter.
Speaking of men, which I like doing as often as possible, you have a few special issues that we gals don’t have to deal with. Halloween is the only time of the year they will play dress up (unless they like to play sex games)! Anyway, dudes, just because that face fuzz is called a goatee and you look like a patriotic goat doesn’t mean that you have to eat like one. Moooove over and give other people a chance at that cheese dip! Oh, and let me tell ya, for all of those ghouls that think no one noticed you had to unbutton your pants to make room for that third plate of sausages and cheese balls . . . we did. Oh, my! Let me just say that you find out a lot about your fellow partygoers when you bend down to inspect the meatballs! Geeze!! You would not believe what a view you get from there! You are waist level, and, boy, the things you see! Oh, don’t look at the food, or you’ll starve. Eeeewwwwweeeeeeee!
We gotta have a plan, or it will only be worse next year. Ghouls, it’s time to stop letting it all hang out, hang over and get into a shape that belongs in a costume and not a barrel gag. Look, I’m not a doctor. Hell, I’m not even a witchdoctor, but, man, we got to do something about unsightly costume bulge! I thought long and hard about what I need to do to get into shape, for Halloween 2002. See if this is something that might help you get onto the road of costume freedom.
We Are What We Eat
I just hate this part. Yes, I am what I eat and that is why I look like a round, happy witchy-type. I love to entertain other Halloweeners year around, and I love to cook . . . can you say doomed? Like I said earlier, I am no witchdoctor, but I know I need to eat those long, crunchy green things they call lettuce leaves and other out of the ground specimens. You know what I am talking about? We all need to eat more things that don’t have tongues or feet? You can’t say things that have eyes, can ya? Spuds! Oh, geeze, that was such a ‘corn-y’ joke! Oh, stop! I’ll quit, I’ll quit. Oh, all this talk about food is making me hungry. I better wrap this up so I will have time to get a snack before I go to bed.
Torture . . . er, Exercise!
I for one am going to watch what I eat and get on the exercise trails if it kills me! That leads me to my next topic . . .groan . . . groan. Exercise! Me? I prefer walking to all the contraptions that you see advertised non-stop at 3:00 a. m. Yep, walking is the ticket for me. But, dear readers, there is so much more to the art of walking than you would think. You need to consider the style of walking that fits you. There are several kinds of walking you can do to make you sweat.
First there is the “I’m here because I have to be here” style of walking. Just look for the woman that walks really slowly with her arms locked down at her sides, a perfect glower on her face. Her style says that she is not going to loose any blubber and you can’t make her. I like this kind of chic unless she thinks you’re the reason she has to be there. Ewwww . . . all that anger, and it’s not even aimed at herself! Scary.
The second kind of walking style you might consider is “there’s a demon ‘behind’ me – don’t ever look back unless I want to be consumed by him.” Now this style of walking is for the tougher at heart. They have owned up to the fact that their behind is so large it must be possessed by many demons and they are looking for an exorcism. You can expect to lose at least one demon a month with this style, and you are sure to get a date at the track if you plan your gasps correctly.
The third style is “m-m-m . . . look at that hunk up there!” Hunks are a great motivation! I melt all over when I watch a hunk’s muscles ripple under all that tan, oiled skin! Oh I’m sooo glad that hunky guys usually don’t wear a shirt and well, you get my point. But look out hardest kind of exercise you will ever attempt. You have to keep up a fast pace for long periods of time because hunks never slow down, and you will loose the view that promotes your new walking style! Now, there is a danger associated with the “m-m-m . . . look at that hunk up there!” style of walking that I think you need to consider before starting this method. Yep, you can pull all kinds of muscles trying to keep up that fast pace in the beginning.
Heaving bosoms look great when they are placed on a twenty-eight inch waist but not when it means that you are turning purple from the lack of oxygen! Oh, and you do have to hold off your fantasizing long enough to make sure that you stay in your lane. Remember that you aren’t the only one that watches that well-formed booty in the lead. Besides, your insurance will not cover multi-body pile ups that you could cause if you stray. Geeze! You could even break a leg or get squished by one of the falling walkers. Oh, and just think how that would delay your costume plans?
I, like all of you, want to look like my idol, Elvira. Now, that woman knows how to look! Do what you must do to get those extra helpings of candy corn off your tush before next year, and you (and all of us around you) will thank you! It’s not only healthy for everyone but helps lower your personal injury insurance bill too!